Letting go of a dream

 My first true love was a man that I did not marry.

We had known each other since middle school and dated on and off for about 3 years {after graduating high-school}. He was in the military and I believe that is what kept our relationship going for so long.

He loved the Lord–so did I. He was always respectful of me and a gentleman. We had a common history and did enjoy doing many of the same things. We also loved one another and were committed to our relationship. Those were the good things.  But there is something about having a relationship over a long distance that enables your mind to make that person into who you want them to be.

We didn’t necessarily agree on certain things about life and it wasn’t an issue because we were not seeing one another on a daily basis. We spent much our energy waiting for love letters from one another {yes, snail-mail style} and pining for the time that we could spend together once we were reunited.

Once he came home for good, we immediately got engaged. We rode that emotional high about a month and a half before problems started to surface and the constant bickering began. The stresses of “real life” and our innate differences began to clash. It took only about 2 more months until we were fighting all the time.

On one specific occasion, I remember him storming out the front door, letting it slam behind him, and I walked into the kitchen at my parents house. I was praying to the Lord and asking him to help me know what to do. My mom was no longer in favor of our relationship and had actually told me that she would not bless our marriage. In my heart I knew that I didn’t want a relationship like this but I also knew that I loved him.  I didn’t understand what was going on or how to fix our issues. I was torn and conflicted.

It was then, in the midst of a very muddy situation, that God spoke a common verse to my heart in a fresh, new way.

theone

He was telling my to trust Him. To let go, trust Him and not lean on my fears to guide me.

I didn’t understand and I wouldn’t, not right then. I needed to trust–trust and be ok with the fact that this situation was beyond my understanding.

You see, I knew what needed to be done. After weeks of fighting, I knew. I knew even more so when my mom would talk with me. I had to break things off.

My heart ached. I foresaw so much pain and embarrassment waiting for me on the other side of my decision. I loved him so wouldn’t it just all work out? What would his family think about me? What about the money we had already spent on the wedding? Will anyone ever want to marry someone who has been engaged before? I waited to have my first kiss for when I got engaged…what will my future husband think?

But my Lord kept whispering: “Trust in Me…Do not lean on your own understanding…trust in Me…”

After I broke off the engagement, my heart was in pieces. I cried at home. I cried at church. I cried in the car. I cried at school. I cried all the time. I spent a lot of time in prayer pouring out my heart to the Lord begging Him to make the situation go away. I started going to a counselor to help me process through what I thought was the death of my dream–the marriage dream. I listen to many songs and found comfort in so many of the ones that Jeremy Camp had written {I Will Walk By Faith is still a favorite of mine}. But most of all I took heart in the words that the Lord had spoken to me weeks earlier: “Trust in Me and lean not on your own understanding.”

A few months after the initial break up I was doing much better but still healing when God sent me another message. I was working as a waitress and noticed that two prophetic women from my church were sitting at one of my tables. I went over, said hello and took their order. Later on in the meal they asked me how I was doing. For some reason I didn’t feel that I needed to give them a safe answer. I told them that I was alright but still healing from the recent break up. They knew both me and my ex since we had attended several of their prayer meetings. After kindly listening to me pour out my heart they offered to pray. In the middle of their prayer, one of the women stopped and told me that she had received a vision for me from the Lord. She said she saw two hands coming together and sliding into the same glove. She said that when I met the man whom I would one day marry, our relationship would just click into place. We would fit with one another just like two hands going into the same glove.

Interestingly enough about a year and a half later, I met my wonderful husband at that very same restaurant. The story would be even better if I met him at that same table but alas my life isn’t a Hollywood script. 🙂 And you know what? We do fit.

Dating him was one of the best experiences of my life. Our courtship was not stressful in the least. Our marriage is not perfect every day but I know without a shadow of doubt that he is the best man for me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hear the Lord that day in the kitchen.

I am so thankful that He helped me trust Him.

I am so thankful that my mom didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear.

I am so thankful for those women whom God used to encourage me.

I am so thankful that my understanding was wrong and that God did have a better match for me.

So friends, my encouragement to you {and again to myself} is that whenever you have a challenging situation in life where you feel the Lord asking something of you that hurts, doesn’t make sense or just seems crazy…

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

He will never lead you astray. He is always faithful.

takeheart

 

This post was written in response to the ‘Take Heart Series’

at Message In A Masson Jar.

Click here to read additional, inspiring stories by other women.

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4 thoughts on “Letting go of a dream

  1. Ali, once again, you have wrote a beautiful blog. I love hearing your heart and your love for Jesus. I love your encouraging words to all those out there that read your blogs. You are an amazing writer and woman. Love you Donna

  2. Oh, I’m so glad you trusted God on that one. It would’ve been hard for me, that’s for sure, but what a beautiful family he’s blessed you with for honoring him :).

  3. I know from experience just how hard it is to pull away from someone you’re so attached to, but I am grateful you did that hard thing and followed God to His best for you. We really do have to empty of our own dreams to make room for God’s dreams for us. Beautiful example you’ve written here for those in the seat of decision right now!

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