My longing for motherhood

As I begin this post, I pause for a moment of thankfulness.

I have one baby, my energetic boy, napping upstairs. My other, a sweet baby girl, playing to my left in her exersaucer. She is supposed to be napping too. 😉  My home and my heart are full. Thank you Lord. Indeed you are the Faithful One.

The tears no longer stain my pillow as I cry myself to sleep begging God to bless me with a child. I do not feel twinge jealousy with every FB pregnancy announcement. Yet, I have not forgotten the path that I walked and how He gave me the grace to persevere.

If you have read my blog for any length of time, it is no secret that David and I struggled with infertility when we tried to start a family. It was something unexpected {isn’t it often that way?} and daunting. We longed to be like “everyone else” yet there is no truth in that statement. All of us have such different lives and different challenges that are often hidden from one another.

Nevertheless, the thought {and fear} of never becoming a mother consumed me. I was suddenly aware of all of those people who “had” what I wanted. It was as if the thankfulness for what God had already blessed me with was replaced with disappointment, anger, envy and jealousy.  I felt out of control {true} and without peace. Eventually I heard the still small voice calling to me to come and share my sorrows with Him.

The peace and the trust didn’t flow instantly. But on one occasion He spoke a specific passage of scripture to me that shed light into the darkness I felt in my heart.  He specifically showed Psalm 37:3 and then Holy Spirit taught me how to apply it to my circumstance.

takeheart2

You see, friends, at that point in my life God had already been faithful to me a countless number of times. Instead of “feeding” on my present disappointment {or my “I want” thoughts}, I needed to instead nourish my soul with words and thoughts about the many, many times God had been faithful to me.

I immediately wrote the verse on an index card and put it in my car.

I memorized it. I prayed it. And when the sadness and the jealousy would come, I would take heart and remember to feed on His faithfulness, on who He really was in the Bible and to me. I would list off the miracles He had done in my life, praise Him for answered prayers, remember bible stories, etc.

Now mind you this habit wasn’t the magic formula for a baby. There were still tears; still longings; still disappointments. Yet, I was lighter and more at peace. I was no longer trapped by despair. I had joy. Joy in the midst of waiting. Joy in the midst of disappointment. True Joy.

takeheart

This post was written in response to the ‘Take Heart Series’

started by Darcy @ www.messageinamasonjar.com.

Click here to read additional, inspiring stories by other women.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My longing for motherhood

  1. Love this: “feed on His faithfulness” not on our doubts or worries. Psalm 37 was a passage I clung to in a hard time of my own. Ironically, it was a struggle opposite of infertility (though I experienced long waiting to conceive my firstborn), but this Scripture ministered to me in a time when I wondered if the world were too scary for me to have MORE kids. God’s Word there reined in my mind from all of the complex what-ifs and made things simple: 1. Do not fret because of those who are evil, 2. Just dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness, 3. Trust in the Lord- He sustains the righteous. Thank you for reminding me to go back and think on this. Really, Psalm 37 is a great companion passage for when I’m reading the news!

    On another note, did you take the barn photo above?

    • I love your three verses about trusting the Lord vs the “what if’s” It seems that since I have had a baby girl, I am more prone to worry about the state of the world and what could happen to her. Instead of dwelling on those fears I love the idea of repeating the truths you shared to myself.

      And yes, I did take the barn picture. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s