Honestly…

Tomorrow I go back to work so naturally I am feeling a bit nostalgic about my sweet Ella and these past twelve weeks I have had with her. I know I am beyond blessed. I have two healthy, happy, adorable, sweet kids. I have a handsome husband that is supportive in every way. I have a God who is constantly near, always forgiving and full of love. And I have cherished this time at home much more than I anticipated.

Since I was young, I was driven. Driven to make something of my life and to make God {and others} proud. I was the 7th grader that already knew where she wanted to go to college and what her major would be {I know…}. I wanted to be able to help people with my profession and also make a living. Even in nursing I have tried to excel. With one baby at home and another in my belly, I did several year-long projects these past twelve months for a promotion. Yet, none of that ambition seems to give me the peace that being a mother has.

With Elijah, I only had a short 6 weeks at home with him. It flew by and was quite chaotic. Even prior to having him, I had only started my current job a mere month and a half prior. Things were stressful and I felt like I was just trying to survive.

But with Ella, my time has been sweet. We fell into a routine quite quickly. Elijah has adjusted well. I found an AMAZING bible study at my church to attend each week and have met some wonderful women. Church has felt more like home and I feel more like myself than I have in a few years.

At the beginning of my time off, we experienced two significant financial “challenges”–two  scary situations that would test my faith. It was sort of ironic since I was on maternity leave and really could do nothing but sit back and trust the Lord. If I had been working I am sure that I would have picked up lots of extra shifts to try and make everything work out {in my own strength nonetheless}. After the initial panic and fear faded, peace flooded my soul. I didn’t know how it was going to work out but I knew God would not fail us. He truly NEVER has. And sure enough, the miracles happened. He provided while I sat back and cared for my babies. It was something I will not soon forget. 

I write all of this so that I can be honest with myself and I suppose all of you. I don’t want to go back {to work}. I don’t want to leave this sweet time. I know I write about seasons and accepting them but I am having trouble leaving this one. Will I ever learn?! 🙂 I want to stay home with my babies. I want to clean my house {shocker, right!?} and meet up friends for play dates and teach Elijah the difference between his right and left hand. I want to be the face Ella sees each morning when she wakes up and feed her throughout the day. I want…

I suppose I want what I can’t have right now. And that is ok. God knows my heart. He hears my prayers; and the greatest gift of all is that He is with me and them always. I am thankful that He knows. I am thankful that He sees. I am thankful for only working part-time. I am thankful for a warm house. I am thankful for plenty of food. I am thankful for SO much…

Tomorrow I will get up at the crack of dawn {actually well before} and go to my job. My mother-in-law will watch Ella. Elijah will go to daycare. David will go to work. Then the clock will tick by until the time when we can all be together again. I will be just fine. They will be just fine. And thankfully, I am not quite to the season where they leave me to make their own place in the world. Something tells my that I might not like that time either. 😉

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8 thoughts on “Honestly…

  1. they are so blessed to have you as their mother. what a beautiful season the first few weeks must be with a child, especially one so adorable as ella. so glad you were able to enjoy them, and will pray for the smoothest transition possible tomorrow…….change doesn’t come easily to any of us, i believe!

  2. I love your blog too. Is it annoying when I comment on like every post? Hope not! I think you are such a good Mom and friend! I’m glad that transition to two has been awesome! The girls sharing a room has its draw backs… I will surely miss you this Saturday! I wish I could do a Bible study with you! I think I need one!

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