Keep Knocking

A few weeks ago I was having a meltdown of sorts. If you ask me now what was wrong, I won’t be able to tell you. Such is the case with my pregnancy hormones and my sensitive heart.

Confession: I often times go to our bedroom closet when I need to cry or spend time alone.

I think I learned it from my mom. After my dad died, I know there were times when she would go to her closet to cry so I wouldn’t hear her or so that she could have some time alone. I truly only have one solid memory of finding her there but I definitely picked up that trait . I am not sure why I do it either. It may be that the enclosed space limits my thoughts and I don’t see all the things that I still need to “get done” throughout the house.  It also helps me to battle my emotions and hopefully turn them over to the Lord. There isn’t room in there for anything else besides our clothes, my shoes, my emotions and the Lord. 🙂

On this particular evening I was crying what is known as “the ugly cry” and Elijah somehow ended up finding me. He started trying to open the door. Then he started saying “mommy” over and over again. Then he started crying, banging on the door, shouting my name and trying his hardest to get the closet door open. After trying to pretend I wasn’t in there and hoping he would get distracted by something else, I started telling him to go find daddy. He wouldn’t budge. He wanted me and I probably did need a good hug. I resisted for a little while longer until my heart started to break for him.

As I went to open the door, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart.

My love is human and imperfect yet, I could not resist the persistence of my child who truly longed for me. Even in my selfish, emotional, “I want to be alone” state, I didn’t last long. How much more perfect is the love of the Father. How much more does He long to give us good things and be close to us.

Sometimes we ask for our hearts desire once or twice. Or maybe just for a year. We think because He doesn’t answer right away that the answer will always be no. Then we start believing that we will never have what we truly want. We end up taking a break from the banging on the door and crying “daddy!” But be encouraged friends {I know I was}, that He has a heart that cannot resist us.

Elijah’s screaming wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t a nicely thought-out request with little emotion. He didn’t say please. He didn’t even say thank you. But I knew that getting to me was all that mattered to him in that moment and it moved my heart to compassion.

The same is true with God. He loves for us to ask Him for more. To ask Him to teach us the deep and unsearchable things about Himself. He loves for us to have faith in the impossible even when we don’t see it happen the first time we ask. If you need healing, keep asking and asking and asking and shouting and banging on the door and screaming “daddy!”. If you want to find your husband, do the same thing. If you need breakthrough in your personal life, do it!  It isn’t pretty but as you sit at the door and knock bang, your heart will become aligned with God’s. Your faith will grow, peace will flood your mind,  you will experience His love. And I know He will not be able to resist you {or me}.

Friends, it isn’t a formula to get what we want. But it is a way for us to be in the place where we are fully known, fully loved and where the true miracles are possible.


5 thoughts on “Keep Knocking

  1. I’m sorry you’re going thru a hard time :(. Wish I was there to cheer you up. I actually had my own little crying session over lunch today. I’m usually not the hiding type about it–I guess that’s where Mirabel got her expressiveness from ;)? I liked how you framed this post. Such a nice image. Sometimes I feel like God is silent in ignoring my pleas, then I realize that I’m just sobbing too loudly to hear his quiet voice :). Sending a few hugs your way!

  2. Good things have always happened for me in the closet; it’s were God’s peace comes to take away my pain! Well, there and under the sheets (that’s a favorite of mine too).
    Great Post, it reminds me I need to knock more!! 🙂 Love ya!

  3. Tears in my eyes reading this one. Your words went straight to my heart. What a beautiful space you’ve made with this blog–how encouraging it is to read your heart. Never stop writing, Ali! Never stop being you! It’s too helpful to people like me.

  4. the tears flooded my checks when I read this blog. What timing.:) You are such a blessing to so many who follow you, and to your family and friends. I thank God everyday for you. All my Love Donna

  5. Ali thank you for being so open and honest with us. I love to read your blog because you are YOU! The part I liked most was the line where you said, ” If you want to find your husband, do the same thing.” 🙂

    I miss you and my Farmer family.

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